Parshas Eikev (Sheva Brachos #10)

Picture this: I register my usual complaint about having to prepare a drasha for a Sheva Brachos with my wife. Mrs. Sympathy says, "What's the problem? You've spoken thousands of times. Why don't you just say that vort about marriage being like a house?"  Fine. I agreed. I thought about who was going to be there, and decided that nobody had heard that vort, and if they had they would have forgotten it, so it would pass. 
Then I get up to begin the speech, and I stand behind my friend, Dr.Irv Birnbaum. Dr. Birnbaum turns around and says "I hope you're not going to say over that thing about what makes a Bayis Ne'eman. I heard that one already." Unfortunately, Dr. Birnbaum is a בור סיד שאינו מאבד טיפה, and he pays serious attention, and so much for the speech I had prepared. 
But הודו לה' כי טוב I managed to pull my chestnuts out of the fire, and this is what I said.

There are three hundred sixty five days in the year, three hundred sixty five "giddin/sinews in the body," and three hundred sixty five issurim in the Torah. It has been said that each of these three sets have a one to one correspondence.  The date of Tisha B'av, which we just passed through two weeks ago, corresponds with the physical Gid Hanasheh, and the issur of the Gid Hanasheh. 

The Sh’lah in Parshas Vayeishev (not Vayishlach, Vayeishev) in the Drush “Tzon Yosef,”section 12, d’h “ve’inyan vateikah,” says: 
The malach of Eisav injured Ya’akov by overturning his כף הירך, the kaph hayarech. The letters chaf and phei, which comprise the word "kaph," are variable and can be open or closed. The letters chaf and phei symbolize the hand and the mouth, and the hand and mouth, too, can either be open or closed. An open chaph is better, because it symbolizes a hand, a caph, that is open and gives tzdaka— paso’ach tiftach es yadcha, that is ready to help others. A closed phei is better, because the greatest maileh is shtikah. In other words, the Gid Hanasheh symbolizes the danger of “loose lips and a tight fist,” being loose lipped and tight fisted. The better way is keeping your hand open in generosity and assistance, and your lips tight, avoiding criticism. The malach touched the kaph yerech to put in place a klalah that when the children of Ya’akov are oiver on the chaph and phei that national suffering will result.

So when Yosef brought dibbah ra’ah to Ya’akov, and opened his mouth, and when the brothers took money for selling him— mah betzah...nimkerenu le’yishme’eilim... the result was the suffering of Ya’akov and the golus Mitzrayim.  Later in history, this bad behavior, this sin'as chinam and lashon hara, resulted in the churbanos of Tisha B'av.

In a marriage relationship, it is vital to remember to keep your mouth closed and to keep your hand open. Be loath to criticize, and always be ready to give. 

(When I said this in Shul, someone pointed out another interesting connection: Chazal say that Yaakov had left the family encampment and gone back to retrieve “Pachim K’tanim.” So there you have pachim again. With the Sh’lah in mind, we gain a remarkable insight in what Chazal wanted to say with the term pachim k’tanim, and the connection to the event and din of Gid Hanosheh.)

The other day, I heard a nice thing from Rabbi Shlomo Tennenbaum. Many say that the purpose of Bri'as haolam was for Hashem's middah of chessed to have a sentient recipient that could understand and appreciate His chesed. We, mankind, are a tzelem Elokim, and, as such, chessed is a fundamental and essential part of what we ought to be. With this in mind, we can say a new pshat in "עזר כנגדו." Eizer k'negdo can mean that Hashem said that it is not good for Adam to be alone, because he needs to have others for whom he can do chessed. אעשה לו עזר כנגדו!  I will make for him someone for whom he can be an eizer, someone that he can love more than himself, someone for whom he can fulfill the middah of chessed selflessly and unreservedly.

And now, the words of the Abudraham become even more dramatic. 

The Abudraham says something that builds on the Gemara in Ksuvos on ח but is a great chiddush.. 

The Gemara says that we say Yotzer Ha'adam twice because Adam was created in two steps. But the Abudraham emphasizes that the reason we say בצלמו only in the second bracha is because it is only with the creation of Chava did Adam Harishon truly have a צלם אלוקים!  Only with chava is the yetzira complete, and that's why because with Chava came the shleimus of Adam Hatishon gufa. (That's my pshat in the Abudraham.)

The Abudraham.

ברוך אתה ה' יוצר האדם ברכה זו נתקנה כנגד יצירת אדם הראשון עד שלא ניטלה ממנו הצלע ואחר כך מברך אשר יצר את האדם בצלמו כנגד יצירת אדם וחוה שאף יצירת האדם לא נגמרה אלא לאחר שנגמרה יצירת חוה שהרי כשנלקחה ממנו הצלע נשתנית בריאתו ממה שהיתה קודם לכן.

So you see that it is davka with a Chava for whom you can do chesed can you be truly called a Tzelem Elokim. It is an opportunity to do the chessed we were created to do. With this chessed, a person has to means to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisrael.

But there is another element that is extremely important for any young couple, and even for the rest of us old people. 

Rav Sternbuch in Eikev brings down a remarkable thing, something one would never associate with Misnagdim. 

שאל מעמך (י. יד). ובברכות לג: אטו יראה מלתא זוטרתא היא. אין לגבי משה מילת א זוטרתא היא, ותמהו המפרשים הלא דרשה משה לכל ישראל. ומה לנו שלגבי משה מילתא זוטרתא היא, והנראה בפשטות שלא הבין משה שי ש קושי ביד איש ישראלי לירא ולפחד מהדר ה׳ וגאונו.

אמנם הגאון רבי יצחק מוולוז׳ין פי׳ שמשה רבינו העניו מכל האד ם אף שידע גודל העמל והיגיעה הנזקק לאדם כדי להתעלות למדרגות ביראת שמים. אלא שמרוב ענותנותו חשב בלבו שאין בני ישראל מתקשים בזה כ״כ, כי בודאי גדולים וטובים הם ממנו.

(This, of course, is very hard to understand. Moshe Rabbeinu cannot have been a manhig if he were so out of touch with the pnimiyus of his people.)

והלום דאיתי דבר פלא להמגיד מדובנא לפ׳ שנויא דגמ׳ בשם הגר״א

כי הזוכה להתחבר עם החכמים ולהתמיד בישיבתו עמהם יגיע בידו בנקל להדמות למעשיהם, ולא יקשה בידו היראה, כי ככלי המלא העובר על גדותיו כן הצדיק משפיע על כל סביבתו יראת ה׳, עד כי מילתא זוטרתא היא, ומשרע״ה מנהיג ישראל הכיר בהם בישראל. שלגודל מעלתם יש בידו להשפיע עליהם מדרגות נעלות מאוצר יראת שמים. והיינו שאמר להם משה מה ה׳ אלקיך שואל מעמך, כי אין אתם צריכים להתייגע הרבה על כך, כיון שקרובים לו, בקל להם להשיג יראת שמים. ובספרי חסידות האריכו הרבה בשבח מעלת הדבקות בצדיקים ורבנו הגר״א פי׳ להאי קרא באופן הזה.

The point is that every young couple needs to have an adam gadol, a yarei shamayim, a pikei'ach, a baal seichel, with whom to discuss their major decisions.   Now that you were mekayeim the words of Chazal of קנה לך חבר, there is no time in life when it is more important to be mekayeim the words of Chazal עשה לך רב

With the good advice of an adam gadol, with chesed to each other, and with siyata dishmaya, you will certainly be zocheh to build a Bayis Ne'eman b'Yisrael.

Here is the Shelah.

 וענין ותקע יכף' ירך יעקב נהתפך רז ל אמרו ב"ר ע"ז גי וירא כי לא יכול לו ויגע בכף יריכו בראשית ל"ב הם הדורות היוצאים מירך יעקב דהיינו הגזירות שגזרו האומות וכשגברו על היונים נתהפך הכף לפך והוא פך שמן והירך נתהפך לירך מנורה ועתה ארמוז ענין כף ופך כי האותיות שוין רק כי כפופה ויףי פתוחה ופך הוא להיפוך פי כפופה רך פתוחה וכף היא גריעותא כי כף' רומז לכף יד רפא' רומז לפה ומעלה גדולה היא שתהיה כף של אדם פתוחה לצדקה כמו שנאמר פתוח תפתח את ידך דברים ט"ו ואח כ מעלה גדולה שפה של אדם יהיה כפוף ולא פתוח כי אין מעלה בעולם ממעלת השתיקה ובכף שגגו השבטים ויוסף בפה ויבא יוסף את דבתם רעה אל אביהם בראשית ל"ז השבטים התאוו לכסף נמאס למכור את יוסף בעשרים כסף ונמצא בספר יוסיפון בן גוריון כשנצחו חשמונאים מלחמות גדולות אז חלקו הרבה מהשלל להעניים הרי כף שלהם היתה פתוחה אחר כך הרגו מלשיני ישראל שהיו מלשינים על היהודים למסיתי מלכי יון והרג אותם יהודה מכבי כאשר סיפר היוסיפון הרי תקנו פאי שהוא פה להיות כפוף זהו סוד יפך' שמצאו שהוא היפך מן כף וזהו רמז מה שאמרו לא מספידין בחנוכה ואיזהו הספד סיפוק כף על ירך כי ותקע כף ירך ראוי להספיד אבל מן כף נעשה פך וירך הוא ירך המנורה ורמז פך של שמן כי השמן הוא מאיר ולעתיד יהתפך הפך לקרן דהיינו לקירון אור ויוחזר הגוף לכתנות אור ויאירו שניהם הגוף והנפש מאור הגדול וזה מאור הקטן מ הגוף והנפש והיו למאורות הגוף שהוא כלי להנשמה יאיר גם כן והפך הוא הגוף שהוא הכלי הוא מלא שמן המאיר ואור הנר המאיר למעלה כטבע האור שעולה הוא סוד אור הגדול של הנשמה

Shlach. Word Choice Exposes Secret Thoughts

Reading the Parshas HaMeraglim reveals very little about what the problem was, about the root of the tragic episode.  Only in Arvos Mo'av, when Moshe Rabbeinu reviews the history of Klal Yisrael during his time as their leader, do we get an idea of where we went wrong.

Devarim 1:22

ותקרבון אלי כלכם ותאמרו נשלחה אנשים לפנינו ויחפרו־לנו את־הארץ וישבו אתנו דבר את־הדרך אשר נעלה־בה ואת הערים אשר נבא אליהן

Rashi

ותקרבון אלי כלכם. בְּעִרְבּוּבְיָא; וּלְהַלָּן הוּא אוֹמֵר (דברים ה') "וַתִּקְרְבוּן אֵלַי כָּל רָאשֵׁי שִׁבְטֵיכֶם וְזִקְנֵיכֶם וַתֹּאמְרוּ הֵן הֶרְאָנוּ וְגוֹ'", אוֹתָהּ קְרִיבָה הָיְתָה הוֹגֶנֶת – יְלָדִים מְכַבְּדִים אֶת הַזְּקֵנִים וּשְׁלָחוּם לִפְנֵיהֶם, וּזְקֵנִים מְכַבְּדִים אֶת הָרָאשִׁים לָלֶכֶת לִפְנֵיהֶם, אֲבָל כָּאן "וַתִּקְרְבוּן אֵלַי כֻּלְּכֶם" בְּעִרְבּוּבְיָא – יְלָדִים דּוֹחֲפִין אֶת הַזְּקֵנִים, וּזְקֵנִים דּוֹחֲפִין אֶת הָרָאשִׁים (ספרי):

Also, both the Kli Yakar and the Shach al HaTorah.

Shach al HaTorah
Not Shabsai Kohen (Vilna 1622-1663.) Mordechai Kohen (Tzfas  slightly earlier.)

ויתורו את ארץ כנען לא כמו שאמרו הם ויחפרו לנו את הארץ שפיהם הכשילם שאמרו ויחפרו שעל ידי זה השליחות נגזר עליהם שימותו במדבר והיו בכל לילה חופרים קבריהם ושוכבים בתוכם ולמחר מכריזים הבדלו חיים מתוך מתים אלא ויתרו כתיב היתרון שיש לארץ כנען על שאר ארצות 

Kli Yakar (Prague 1550-1619)

ויתורו את ארץ כנען מצינו ג' לשונות בענין זה ויתורו ויחפרו וירגלו כי ישראל אמרו (דברים א כב) נשלחה אנשים לפנינו ויחפרו לנו את הארץ והקב"ה אמר ויתורו את ארץ כנען ובמרגלים כתיב (שם א כד) וירגלו אותה לפי שג' דעות היו באותה עצה כי הקב"ה אמר ויתורו שיש במשמעתו גם לשון יתרון כי רצה הקב"ה להראות להם יתרון הארץ על כל הארצות כמ"ש (שמות ג ח) ולהעלותו מן הארץ ההיא אל ארץ טובה ורחבה וטובה זו היא הטובה הרוחנית מצד היותה אוירא דמחכים (ב"ב קנח) כי זה הכנה אל האדם לבא על ידו לכלל הטובה האמיתית כי אין לאדם יתרון תחת השמש זולתו ויתרון ארץ זה בכל היא (קהלת ה ח) אבל ישראל רוח אחרת היתה עמהם כי תמיד היו מבקשים תואנה לשוב מצרימה וע"כ אמרו ויחפרו שיש במשמעתו לשון חרפה כי ערות הארץ רצו לראות כדי שיהיה להם מקום ללון ולומר נתנה ראש ונשובה מצרימה אבל מ"מ לא בקשו שיוציאו מלבם דבה שקרית והמרגלים השחיתו התעיבו יותר ממה שבקשו מהם והוציאו מלבם מלין שקרים כדרך כל הולך רכיל המפליג כל דבר להגיד יותר ממה שראה לכך נאמר וירגלו אותה כי רגל לשון רכיל כמו שפירש"י על פסוק לא תלך רכיל  (ויקרא יט טז)  

So, what do we have?

1. That they did not have Yishuv HaDaas. They were Pochazim. Every Baal Mussar knows that Pezizus, haste, panic, impetuousness, leads to self destructive behavior.

2.  That while the Ribono shel Olam, or Moshe, used the word ויתורו, Klal Yisrael said ויחפרו. As both the Kli Yakar and Rav Mordechai HaKohen say, although the two words are technically synonymous, choosing one over the other reveals a tremendous difference in what motivates you. ויתורו connotes "looking for the benefit." ויחפרו , the way I like to say this vort, means "dig up dirt." The Kli Yakar says it relates to חרפה. Even though that requires transposition of two letters, that doesn't matter. We're talking about the secrets of the soul, and in our mouths, the two words are very similar. The Shach says it relates to the graves they dug on Tisha B'Av.

I used this vort by an Aufruf for my great nephew, Binyomin Ray, and my son Mordechai used it at a nephew's Bar Mitzva. The point is the same. Nothing in life is perfect. The Ribono shel Olam always challenges us. The attitude towards challenges, the lenses through which we view the world, makes the difference between a life that poisons itself and everyone around it, and a blessed and fruitful life.  Do you look for opportunities that the Ribono shel Olam is giving you, or do you kvetch and cry and run away?   Will you live with an עין טובה or an עון רעה?  Will you live with  ויתורו or ויחפרו. 

Beshalach. Marriage and the Splitting of the Sea. Drasha for Sheva Brachos (#9)

Sota 2a:

אמר ר' יוחנן וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף שנאמר (תהילים סח) אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה מוציא אסירים בכושרות

Reb Yochanan said, it is as difficult to match couples in marriage as splitting the sea.

Most of the famous pshatim on "it is as hard to match them as to split the sea" are boring.  So here are the ones I like.  The ones I don't attribute are my own.

Note to speakers:  As Eli points out in the comments, it is hard to deny the pashtus that this expression refers to second marriages, not first marriages.  However, as I respond there, hard, but not impossible.  Many many meforshim apply it to first marriages, as indicated by its use in Midrashim.   In any case, you should be prepared in case someone comes over later to correct you.

1. Even though Kri'as Yam Suf was preordained and inevitable- the Red Sea was created on the condition that it split for Bnei Yisrael, as taught in Breishis Rabba 5:5, אמר ר' יוחנן תנאין התנה הקב"ה עם הים שיהא נקרע לפני ישראל הדא הוא דכתיב (שמות יד) וישב הים לאיתנו לתנאו שהתנה עמו - the Ribono shel Olam wanted the Jews to cause it to happen with their tefillos and Emuna and mesiras nefesh.  This is hard for the Ribono shel Olam because Hakol bidei Shamayim chutz mi'yiras shamayim.  Same with shidduch; it's preordained, but the  Ribono shel Olam wants hishtadlus and courage and tefilla on your part to make it happen.  Part of the reason for this is that we need to learn that we can overcome our past.  The Ribono shel Olam helps us, and directs us, but we ourselves need to develop the strength of character and faith to make a break with the past.

Please note, too, that at the Yam Suf, Bnei Yisrael were surrounded by temples of Avoda Zara- 14:2, לפני פי החירות בין מגדול ובין הים לפני בעל צפון נכחו תחנו על הים see Rashi there.  (Also, note that besides Baal Tzefon, Chiros may refer to the falcon-headed Horus, one of the indefatigably libidinous Egyptian Gods, as hinted in Maseches Kalla Rabbasi 7:4, כיוצא בדבר אתה אומר מה זכו החירות אלא זונות היו וכשראו את ישראל הפכו את פניהם לפיכך נקראו חירות.)  Their fear of the Egyptians might have been aggravated by the proximity of the Gods of Egypt whom they still feared as independently powerful.  It was because of this fear of the past, this fear of the Egyptian Gods, that it was said about the Bnei Yisrael ve'halalu ovdei Avoda Zara.  At that very moment they showed their superstitious belief that the Gods of Egypt might fight the Ribono shel Olam.  The only way Bnei Yisrael liberated themselves from these indoctrinated superstitions, the only way they could break the crippling chains of the past and embrace their bright future was by leaping into the sea in a physical demonstration of single minded faith and trust in the Ribono shel Olam.

2.   Kri'as Yam Suf involved midas hadin for the Egyptians and midas harachamim for the Jews.  To manifest the attribute of strict justice and the attribute of loving mercy in one event cannot be done through a shliach.  Only the Ribono shel Olam alone can do this, as was the case in Mitzrayim during Makkas Bechoros.  In Mitzrayim, though, they had the zechus of doing the korban pesach, which was mesiras nefesh, and that made it easier to save Klal Yisrael, because mesiras nefesh is equivalent to netillas neshama.  In married life we need to learn to judge and discipline ourselves with strict midas hadin and our spouses with loving rachamim.

3.  The chidush and the symbolism was that after the phenomenal pirud, the sea rejoined as if nothing had happened.  The most important rule of marriage is that inevitably, there will be strong differences of opinion.  When that passes, it should be as if nothing had happened.  While Klal Yisrael walked through, the sea became a beautiful path with sides of solid windows made of water, when the Mitzrim came after them, it changed into a churning maelstrom of chaos and destruction.  Five minutes later, you could go out in a row boat and you wouldn't notice that anything had happened.  (See studies by John Gottman, respected marriage counselor and erstwhile Lubavitcher.)

4.  Chazal use the expression "Kashe K'krias Yam suf in two contexts: in Sota 2a on Shidduchim, and in Pesachim 118a on Parnassa.  (I've heard shadchanim say that for them to make a living is twice as hard as  Kri'as Yam Suf, because both Gemaros apply to them.)

When Hashem told Avraham about Yetzias Mitzrayim, it became a foregone conclusion, and the Yam should have split immediately when the moment came.  It was a tnai with the ma'aseh breishis that was applied to the children of Avraham Avinu.  The problem was that the Sar shel Yam complained "I would be happy to split for the sake of the children of Avraham Avinu, but who are these people??  They look like Egyptians with Peyos.  They're the same ovdei avoda zara as the Egyptians.  Why should I split for these people?"

When a person davens for parnassa on Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur, he is like an angel, his thoughts are lofty and pure, he is a worthy recipient of the brachos the Ribono shel Olam showers down upon him.  A few months later, the bracha of parnassa is supposed to be fulfilled, and the Sar of Parnassa looks down at the person, and looks at his delivery order for the person who got the bracha, and he says "Hey, this is not the same person.  Who is this guy, and why should he get the bracha of parnassa?  I must have the wrong address."

When a person is going out on dates, he opens the door for the girl, he listens attentively to all her naarishkeit, he notices her tznius and her refined deportment, he is careful to make sure she is comfortable, and he is the perfect suitor.  They get married, a few months pass, and they get used to each other and start taking each other for granted, and he's not opening doors any more.  The sound of her voice either puts him to sleep or doesn't let him sleep.  It's not the same.

Kashe zivugam kikrias Yam Suf; when the promise was made, everything was perfect.  But when it comes time to fulfill the promises, they start to look like entirely different people.  The chochma, and the challenge, is that when you need the parnassa, you look like you did when you made those promises on the Yamim Nora'im; the challenge of Krias Yam Suf is that the entire year we should look like the descendants of Avrohom Avinu, to whom the promise was made; and the challenge of a good marriage is to make sure that you look and act like the suitor who made the promises to respect your wife yoser mei'gufo even when you're long married.

5.  A pshat submitted by lu:  Unlike a solid that is split, a divided liquid requires constant effort to maintain that state; no less energy is required to sustain it than was invested in creating it, and that investiture of energy will have to be constant and ongoing.  The symbolism is although marriage creates the new entity of a married couple, perpetuating that state requires constant attention and effort.  It can never, ever be taken for granted.  (This teretz, though very good, was kind of too straightforward and earnest for this post, but then I realized it shtims with the Rogotchover in Tzafnas Pa'anei'ach Hilchos Trumos page 20, and Reb Elchanan in Kovetz Shiurim Kiddushin #61.)

6.  A pshat submitted by the Pelleh Din, The Hermit and Rav Hakollel of Manchester  והגלילות:
Kriyas Yam Suf is מוציא אסירים בכושרות - בבכי ובשירות
People tend to think that by getting married they are losing some of their freedom, but from the analogy to קריאת ים סוף we see it's really a freedom.  Accepting an עול granted - so was the יציאת מצרים and acceptance of the עול תורה.    As Chazal say, אין לך בן חורין אלא מי שעוסק בתורה.

7.  I saw this from Rabbi Frand, and, as usual, it is excellent.

When It Comes To Finding a Mate -- Providence Will Handle It
The Medrash [Bereishis Rabbah 60] says that there were four people in history who made improper requests. Three of these people were fortunate, in that even though their request was articulated improperly, G-d answered them kindly. The fourth person received a terrible response. These four people were Eliezer, Kalev, Shaul, and Yiftach.Eliezer said "And it will be the girl that says 'Not only will I give you to drink, but I will give your camels to drink' will be the girl who will marry my master's son." [Bereshis 24:14] The Medrash says that this was not an appropriate way to ask. What if a maidservant had come out and met all of Eliezer's conditions? Fortunately, G-d sent Rivkah.Kalev promised to give his daughter in marriage to the person who would capture the city of Kiryat Sefer [Yehoshua 15:16]. Kalev did not know what kind of person would conquer the city. What if a slave would have conquered the city? Fortunately, Osniel ben Kenaz conquered the city.Shaul promised his daughter to the person who would kill Goliath [Shmuel I 17:25]. Again this was a rash promise, but again G-d was kind and Dovid killed Goliath.However, there was one man whose improper request resulted in tragedy. Yiftach was praying for success in battle against Ammon. Yiftach said to G-d, "If You deliver Ammon into my hands, the first thing that comes out of my house to greet me, I will offer as a sacrifice..." [Shoftim 11:31] Unfortunately, his daughter was the first to greet him. [According to the commentaries, Yiftach either sacrificed his daughter or sent her away for the rest of her life. Either way, this was a punishment for Yiftach's improper request.]The question can be asked: Eliezer, Kalev, and Shaul also asked improperly. Why were they fortunate and why was Yiftach struck with tragedy?The Beis Av offers a beautiful insight. The Beis Av says that the common denominator of Eliezer, Kalev, and Shaul was that their requests all involved Shidduchim, marriages. When it comes to finding a proper mate, that is one area regarding which a person can legitimately say "G-d -- take care of me!" When it comes to finding a person's life mate, the rule is that this comes from the Hand of G-d [Yalkut Shimoni 117]. Regarding Shidduchim one is allowed to play with Providence and rely on G-d's intervention.Yiftach's pledge had nothing to do with a shidduch. When one utters an irresponsible pledge like that, anything can happen.I once heard the following from Rav Simcha Zissel Brody, who heard it from the Chazzon Ish. The Chazzon Ish commented, there are two things that are "as difficult as splitting of the Red Sea" -- a person's livelihood and finding a mate. We all know that a person's livelihood is difficult because Adam received a curse that it should be difficult to bring forth bread from the earth. But, the Chazzon Ish asked, why should finding a mate be so hard?The Chazzon Ish explained that unfortunately, we live in a time in which we usually do not see the Hand of G-d. However, there is one area where everyone admits that we often can still see it. G-d takes a special interest, and plays a special role in Shidduchim.We all have stories that we feel were 'basherte'. I will just say over my favorite shidduch story. This is a story of a young man who went out looking for a shidduch for a very long time with no success. He went out with his seventy ninth girl. It was a terrible date. He came back upset and broken. He decided to go buy something to eat. He walked into a Kosher hamburger place in Borough Park, sat down at a table and ordered a burger. A woman came up to him and asked, "Are you married?" He responded "No". She said, "I have a shidduch for you." This was a woman completely out of the blue, who had never met him before! Yet he and the girl suggested by that woman are now living happily ever after.This is an example where we see Hashgocha (Divine Providence) -- the Hand of G-d. Here a person can take the liberty and say "Master of the World, take care of me."

I have to add, however, that Rabbi Frand's quote from the Chazon Ish needs some improvement, and, as a contemporary from our days as students in Ner Israel, I'm confident that when he said it he said it originally he made this clear.  The Chazon Ish's words don't explain the language of the Gemara that   וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף, because קשין indicates difficulty, and how does this explain difficulty?  The answer is that nothing is קשה for the Ribono shel Olam.  The word Kashe in this context means that the Ribono shel Olam needs to overcome the preference to leave the world to Derech Hateva, to the ostensibly natural flow of cause and effect.  When Hashem engages in obvious suspension of nature, that is called Kashe, difficult.  Shiduchim are an overt intercession, a clear suspension of the randomness of Teva.

Lech Lecha. Journeys and Odysseys. Drasha for Sheva Brachos (#7)

My wife and I just got back from Memphis, where we attended the wedding of a young man with whom our family has been very close.  We drove there from Chicago, and that gave us the autonomy of deciding when to leave, and we chose to stay a second day.  We were graciously invited by the eponymous culinary genius of Ricki's Cookie Korner to attend a Sheva Brachos she and her husband hosted that evening.  Although I hadn't been asked to speak, my wife strongly suggested that I do so.  She felt that because of our long and close relationship with the Chasan, it was important that I say something good and true about him.  We stayed at the Peabody hotel, and while the history and ambiance were memorable, the sofa in the room wasn't particularly comfortable, and the options I faced were simple: speech, or sofa.

The morning after I delivered the speech, I was passing by an antiquities and collectibles store in the hotel lobby, the Samuel Nathan Gallery.  As it happens, the owner, Ezra, is from Flatbush, and, smart businessman that he is, he blew a shofar as I walked by.  It worked as he intended, like a moose call, and I went in to see who would be blowing a shofar in Memphis on a November morning.  Ezra, who penetrated what I thought was a good disguise, perceived that I was some sort of rabbi, and asked me the question that I had addressed at the Sheva Brachos the night before.  He sincerely thanked me for my explanation, and then, of course, sold me some tzatzkes.  I thought that the coincidence implied that the message might be meaningful to someone, so I'm posting it.

Sometimes, a young man and woman go out for the first time in their lives, and they decide to get married.  What a mazal bracha, what a gift from the Ribono shel Olam that can be!  That is exactly what did not happen to his couple.  Both the Chassan and the Kallah had their share of heartbreak and distress over the years.  When they finally did meet, a few years ago, each knew that there was something special and unique here, but hope was defeated by anxiety and fear, and nothing came of it.  Everyone around them told them that they needed to get together again, and finally, good sense and good mazal triumphed and they did get back together and are now married.

This reminded me of a stylistic distinction between the words 'journey' and 'odyssey'.  (This distinction is maintained in the New York Times, but is not found in general dictionaries.)  A journey is simply a trip from point A to point B.  An odyssey is a long and difficult journey that ultimately brings the traveler back home.  The Maharal says that Ray'ah means close friend, but is most used to mean spouse.  He explains that while the standard etymology of Ray'ah does mean friend, it also alludes to the idea of the Tru'ah by Tekias Shofar, the broken sound.  A spouse is more than a close friend.  A spouse is a Ray'ah, a piece of the other person.  They are two segments of one fundamental unit, the re-created Tzelem Elokim of the original form of Adam Harishon that exists only in a marriage.  A long, long time ago, two souls were made one.   שמח תשמח ריעים האהובים, rejoice, you two rejoined parts of a unitary soul, as you existed in Gan Eden.  You have finally found what was missing from your life, and your teru'ah has become a song of rejoicing.  Your long travail of seeking was not a journey, it was an odyssey.  You have traveled and traveled, and now you have come home.

This highlights a strange thing we find in our Parsha about journeys and destinations.  Hashem told Avraham Lech lecha, go to the land I will show you.  Why didn't Hashem tell Avraham where he was going?  Why did Hashem only tell him to go to the place He would name later?  The answer is that Avraham was being taught a lesson.  He was being taught that, as Ezra from the Samuel Nathan's gallery later phrased it, a Jew must know that he must never become part of the landscape.  People fool themselves into thinking that life is about destinations, and that everything else is just a way of getting there.  Hashem taught Avraham Avinu that this is not true.  The purpose of life is growth and change and experience.  All of life is a journey, and the journey is not merely a unavoidable precursor to a meaningful goal. Hashem put you in a circumstance so you can learn and grow and incorporate the lessons you learn into your identity.  In the Navi Zechariah (3:7), Hashem tells the navi that he is being granted opportunity to grow:  ונתתי לך מהלכים בין העומדים האלה  I will give you a path among these that are standing.  Man is called a  הולך, a walker, while malachim, angels, are called עומדים, the stationary ones.  A malach is what he is and he remains as he was created.  Man walks.  לֶךְ לְךָ.  He rises, he falls, but he is never stationary.  אורח חיים למעלה למשכיל  למען סור משאול מטה (Mishlei 15:24, and see Gaon there-  – שבכל דבר שקשור בנפש האדם, אם לא עולים – אז בהכרח יורדים, וכפי שמפרש רש"י על הפסוק: "וַיִּקָּחֻהוּ וַיַּשְׁלִכוּ אֹתוֹ הַבֹּרָה וְהַבּוֹר רֵק אֵין בּוֹ מָיִם" (בראשית לז, כד) – "והבור רק אין בו מים – ממשמע שנאמר והבור רק, איני יודע שאין בו מים, מה תלמוד לומר אין בו מים? מים אין בו, אבל נחשים ועקרבים יש בו".).  Life is all about that change, and a wise man will see every segment of life as a classroom and every step of his travels as a lesson. The Chassan and the Kallah intuitively knew this, and they are different for having experienced what they experienced- stronger, wiser, and better.  They have finally come home, and their journey of discovery and growth continues.  May they use this wisdom and strength to build their Bayis Ne'eman Be'Yisrael.

Yom Kippur: On Behalf of His Wife: וכפר בעדו ובעד ביתו- ביתו זו אשתו

Yesterday, I attended the joyous Lechaim for the engagement of my youngest son, who became a Chassan just before Shabbos.  The Chassan was prepared to say Divrei Torah and Divrei Bracha, but with all the excitement and comings and goings and reunions with old friends and meeting new friends (including the Divrei Chaim!), there really wasn't a moment to organize the crowd into a speech schema.

The Chassan is learning Maseches Yoma, and of course, the Aseres Yemei Teshuva is about to begin (see note #1), and the speech he prepared, I think, hit the trifecta, and deserves dissemination.

The Mishna in the beginning of Yoma says that the Kohen Gadol must be married when he does the avoda of Yom Kippur.  This is based on (Vayikra 16:6) וכפר בעדו ובעד ביתו, he shall achieve forgiveness for himself and his household etc.  Chazal darshen that ביתו זו אשתו, the word "household" means his wife.  Since the formal vidui mentions his wife, he must have a wife in order to do the Avoda. Why?  What is the logic of requiring that the Kohen Gadol be married while he does the Avoda?  How does having a wife make any difference in his Avoda?

We find another instance where a public figure needs to have a family.  That is the Gemara in Sanhedrin (36b) that is brought by the Rambam in 2 Sanhedrin 3:  אין מעמידין בכל סנהדרין לא זקן מופלג בשנים ולא סריס, מפני שיש בהן אכזרייות, ולא מי שאין לו בנים, כדי שיהיה רחמן.  One may not appoint to the Sanhedrin one who is very old...nor one who has no children, because they will not have properly developed traits of mercy.  But if this is the logic behind the בעד ביתו of the Kohen Gadol, why a wife?  Why not a son?

We would like to suggest three possible answers.

I
The Kohen Gadol must say Vidui for Klal Yisrael.  That he can do so is surprising, because vidui is a prime example of something one must do on his own, something one cannot ask someone else to do on his behalf.  (See note #2)  How can a Kohen Gadol say vidui for Klal Yisrael?  The answer is that only once the Kohen Gadol experiences the absolute empathy of ishto ke'gufo can he escape the prison of egotism, and only then can he move from the specific to the general, from the personal to the national, and come to zenith of ערבות that allows him to say vidui for Klal Yisrael as if he were intimately connected with each and every one of them, as if they were all כגופו.   Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach once went to the doctor with his wife, and told the doctor "עס טוט אונז וויי די פוס," our foot is hurting.  The Kohen Gadol can say the same regarding all of Klal Yisrael- but to come to that madreiga requires the first step of having a ריעך כמוך.

(See note #3, and See note #4.)


II
The Kohen Gadol comes before Hashem and says, Ribono shel Olam, you described Klal Yisrael as יונתי תמתי, Your perfect dove (Shir Hashirim 5:2).  I, too, have a perfect dove, my own wife, and she is without any flaw or blemish or imperfection.  ועל כל פשעים תכסה אהבה  (Mishlei 19:12)  You, too, Hashem, look at יונתך תמתך and say כולך יפה רעייתי ומום אין בך.

When a person gets married, his shidduch is a matanah from the Ribono shel Olam, it is the zivug that was fated and intended for him from the moment he was created, and it is the perfect zivug for him.  There is nobody else, only יונתי תמתי, and he must thank the Ribono shel Olam for giving him this unique and perfect gift.
(See note #5)


III
The Gevuras Ari asks why do Chazal assume that Beiso means only his wife, when elsewhere the term might include his sons as well.  I would suggest that we find a particular characteristic that is essential to Kehuna Gedola, and that is Tznius.  Kimchis, as related in Yoma 47a, had seven sons that were Kohanim Gedolim, and she attributed this amazing accomplishment to her extraordinary Tznius.  It is clear that a mother's tznius is a condition precedent for the kedusha of Kehuna Gedola.  It is possible (See note #6) that it is also an element in the kedusha itself.  If so, it is logical to assume that the word Beiso refers to Kol kevuda bas melech pnima, the tznius of the wife of the Kohen Gadol.   Kohanim Gedolim knew that they could only marry a woman that exemplified and embodied the midda of Tznius, and only a Kohen Gadol that has a wife who embodies the midda of tznius can do the avoda.

Along these lines:
The Sforno points out in Parshas Vezos Habracha that the Tribe of Asher was the most successful of the Shvatim and its members were very wealthy, and although most people resent wealth in other people, everyone loved Shevet Asher.  This is what is meant by "Retzui Echav."  The Sforno does not explain why this was so, he just says that it is an anomaly.  But perhaps we can explain it on the basis of the Rashi (Devarim 33:24) that says that Kohanim Gedolim married girls from Shevet Asher- שהיו בנותיו נשואות לכהנים גדולים הנמשחים בשמן זית- and this must be because they were tremendous Tznu'im, as we discussed above.  Properly evolved Tznius is not only a matter of modesty in dress, it includes placidity and silence; it certainly means that one avoids flashiness and arrogance and tumul.  This kind of tznius, concomitant with good yichus, is a tzniyus of עדינות ואצילות.  If Asher was so developed in the midda of Tznius, we can understand why everyone loved them and nobody was jealous of them- because of their tznius.


IV
The Chassan getting ready to propose.

Notes.

1.  I think Aseres Yemei Teshuva is singular and so I wrote "is about to begin" and not "are about to begin."  Aseres is not the same as Asara.  Aseres is a unit comprising ten items.  Like "a dozen eggs weighs around a pound."

2.  Regarding Vidui through a Shliach, the Minchas Chinuch has something to say about this.  See here.

3.  One might ask, how do I know that the din of בעד ביתו is specific to the Vidui?  First, because the passuk that says וכפר בעדו ובעד ביתו is talking about the Vidui.  Furthermore, the Gevuras Ari is mashma that the requirement is specific to the Vidui.  It's not b'frierush in the Gevuras Ari, but evident from the fact that he says that he holds that as long as the Kohen Gadol is married during avodas Hapar, it doesn't matter if he's married during avodas ha'se'irim, which makes zero sense if he's talking about avodas hadam, because the avodas hadam of the Par and of the Se'irim is done together.  It only makes sense if he's talking only about the Viduyim, which are, of course, separate.  It is on that basis I say that the din of בעד ביתו is a din in the Vidui.  The relevant section of the Gevuras Ari: 

יש לעיין בהא דביתו, אי קפיד רחמנא בשעת כפרת פרו דוקא שיהיה לו בית, אבל בשעת

כפרת שתי שעירים לית לן בה אם אין לו בית, דהא  האי ביתו לא כתיב אלא גבי כפרת פרו, ואפילו לרי

 יהודה דס״ל ברפ״ק דשבועות (ב׳ ע״ב) דבשאר עבירות אחד כהנים ואחד ישראלים מתכפרים בשעיר המשתלח מ״מ אפשר לומר דלא קפיד קרא אביתו אלא בכפרתו שלו דהיינו פרו המיוחד לו, או דלימא אכולה מילתא

 קפיד אביתו, שכל עבודת יוה״כ צריך להיות בכ״ג נשוי ואפי׳ לר״ש נמי אע״פ שכל כפרתו בפרו ווידויו

See also the Gevuras Ari here in DH  מ״ מ אכתי.  

4.  It could be argued that Chazal understand the בעד ביתו later in the parsha as including all Kohanim, so it seems that it does not exclusively refer to his wife.  This is not a kashe.  The primary meaning of Beiso is his wife.  Secondarily, but only on the basis of apparent redundancy, it is understood to also refer to his brother Kohanim,  The fact that his brother Kohanim need special kaparah is not surprising, because the kapara here primarily involves Tumas Mikdash Ve'Kadashav.  The surprising halacha, which we are addressing, is that his wife needs to be included, and that if he does not have a wife, he cannot do the avodah.

5.  This is not how the Chassan was going to say it.  It would be inappropriate for someone that has just gotten engaged, or just gotten married.  It's more appropriate for someone that has been married for twenty years.  He was just going to say that his Kallah is a gift from the Ribono shel Olam and perfect for him, without all the mawkish יונתי תמתי business.

6.  Some of you have written to say that this is a post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy.  Please read the paragraph again, this time a little more slowly.  What I said is that a mother's Tznius is a necessary factor in having children that become Kohanim Gedolim.  There are two ways to understand that:  either that Tznius avoids things that would ruin the children, or that Tznius lends an enhancement to the children.  That either Tznius is just a way of preventing a psul, or that Tznius is a way of investing a maalah.  I suggested that Tznius is not merely a shlilus of pritzus, it is a be'poeil of kedusha, and it is a necessary ingredient of being a Kohen Gadol, both in one's mother and in one's wife.

PInchas, Drasha for Sheva Brachos (#5)

The Medrash (בראשית רבה פרשה ס"ח:ג-ד, ויקרא רבה פרשה ח:א, במדבר רבה פרשה ג:ו)  tells the following story.

רבי יהודה בר סימון פתח (תהלים ס"ח) 'אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה'. מטרונה שאלה את ר' יוסי בר חלפתא אמרה לו לכמה ימים ברא הקב"ה את עולמו, אמר לה לששת ימים, כדכתיב (שמות כ') 'כי ששת ימים עשה ה' את השמים ואת הארץ'. אמרה לו מה הוא עושה מאותה שעה ועד עכשיו, אמר לה הקב"ה יושב ומזווג זיווגים, בתו של פלוני לפלוני, אשתו של פלוני לפלוני, ממונו של פלוני לפלוני.

Someone asked Rav Yosi ben Chalafta, if it took Hashem six days to create the world, how does He spend his time since then?  He answered that Hashem spends His time making shidduchim.

I wonder, given that shidduchim are important, are they so important that the Ribono shel Olam needs to spend time working on them?  And what would be so bad if they were just left to chance, like the rest of the world does it?


And the Gemara (Moed Kattan 18b) reiterates this lesson; whatever you think about hashgacha pratis, shidduchim are in the hands of the Ribono shel Olam, and only the most serious and concerted effort of tefilla (see Rashi there DH או איהו) can circumvent that will.

אמר רב משום רבי ראובן בן אצטרובילי מן התורה ומן הנביאים ומן הכתובים מה' אשה לאיש.   מן התורה- דכתיב (בראשית כד) ויען לבן ובתואל ויאמרו מה' יצא הדבר. מן הנביאים- דכתיב (שופטים יד) ואביו ואמו לא ידעו כי מה' היא. מן הכתובים דכתיב (משלי יט) בית והון נחלת אבות ומה' אשה משכלת

In fact, the Medrash immediately before the one I quoted above says the same as the Gemara:

ר' אבהו פתח (משלי י"ט) 'בית והון נחלת אבות ומה' אשה משכלת'. רבי פנחס בשם ר' אבהו מצינו בתורה בנביאים ובכתובים שאין זיווגו של איש אלא מן הקב"ה. בתורה מנין (בראשית כ"ד) 'ויען לבן ובתואל ויאמרו מה' יצא הדבר'. בנביאים (שופטים י"ד) 'ואביו ואמו לא ידעו כי מה' הוא'. בכתובים היינו דכתיב (משלי י"ט) 'ומה' אשה משכלת'. יש שהוא הולך אצל זיווגו ויש שזיווגו בא אצלו. יצחק זיווגו בא אצלו, 'וירא והנה גמלים באים'. יעקב הלך אצל זיווגו, דכתיב 'ויצא יעקב'.

So what's so important about this?  Why, of all events in life, does the Gemara describe zivug as so vital, so essential, that the Ribono shel Olam can be said to spend all His time after Brias Ha"olam in organizing Shidduchim?


Chazal (Shavuos 30b, regarding Rav Huna's wife appearing in court before Reb Nachman) tell us that אשת חבר הרי היא כחבר, the wife of a Talmid Chacham must be shown the same respect as her husband.  Why is this true?  Simply, one might say that it is similar to honoring one's older brother, or a step mother, where the honor shown to them inures to the father.  I believe there is more to it than that.

מעשה בר"ש בן חלפתא שבא ערב שבת ולא היה לו מאן להתפרנס יצא לו חוץ מן העיר והתפלל לפני האלהים וניתן לו אבן טובה מן השמים נתנה לשולחני ופרנס אותה שבת אמרה אשתו מהיכן אלו אמר לה ממה שפרנס הקב"ה אמרה אם אין אתה אומר לי מהיכן הן איני טועמת כלום התחיל מספר לה אמר לה כך נתפללתי לפני האלהים וניתן לי מן השמים אמרה לו איני טועמת כלום עד שתאמר לי שתחזירה מוצאי שבת אמר לה למה אמרה לו אתה רוצה שיהא שולחנך חסר ושולחן חבירך מלא והלך ר' שמעון והודיע מעשה לרבי אמר לו לך אמור לה אם שולחנך חסר אני אמלאנו משלי הלך ואמר לה אמרה לו לך עמי למי שלמדך תורה אמרה לו ר' וכי רואה אדם לחבירו לעוה"ב לא כל צדיק וצדיק הוה ליה עולם בעצמו שנאמר (קהלת יב) כי הולך האדם אל בית עולמו וסבבו בשוק הסופדים עולמים אין כתיב אלא עולמו כיון ששמע כן הלך והחזיר

(Shmos Rabba 52:3)

Reb Shimon ben Chalafta needed money for shabbos, got a gem from shamayim, pawned it for money and bought food,  he brought it home and his wife asked him where'd you get the money for this stuff.  He told her what happened, and she said I won't eat a bite of  the food until you promise me you'll return the precious stone Motzei Shabbos.

This was the only time this happened; he always had money to buy shabbos, but this happened to be a bad week, and he thought he could use the miracle with nobody knowing.  His wife sniffed out the secret.  Not only did she sniff out his secret, she told him that she refused to benefit from a neis.  She said, everyone else will have full tables, and we'll have a hole in middle? Reb Shimon went to Rebbi, and Rebbi said, tell her I'll give you from my table in Olam Haba.  She said, I'm going to Rebbi with you, and we'll see.  She said to Rebbi, since when can a person get anything from another in OhB?  Everyone has his own world, no more and no less!  You can't go next door and borrow a cup of sugar in Shamayim!  When he heard this, he agreed to give it back.  (There is a similar story in Taanis 25a involving Reb Chanina ben Dosa and his wife.)

Do you realize who we're talking about here?   The greatest gedolim of the generation that wrote the Mishnayos, people who would have been nevi'im if their generation merited it.  They were geniuses and tzadikim that spent every waking moment in the Beis Medrash learning with all their strength from the gedolei hador, arguing, discussing, thinking, memorizing, with siyata dishmaya, and Mrs. Chalafta and Mrs. Dosa were at home changing diapers and sewing and doing the laundry.  And when it came to this very important matter of hashkafa, of what is right and what is wrong, of what a person ought to be doing and working towards in life, these women blew them all away and made it crystal clear to them that they were wrong.  They out thought them and out haskafa'ed them.  


This reminds me of the story with the Brisker Rov.  His Rebbitzen was over cleaning for Pesach, and he told her that she didn't need to do half of what she was doing.  She answered "If I would listen to you, we would have been eating Chametz at the Seder for a long time."

That is what the Netziv (Harchev Davar Breishis 2:18, and see Haamek Davar Breishis 4:19) calls an eizer k'negdo.  The netziv says, eizer k'negdo means that when you go off the track, your wife will help you by pointing out what you are doing wrong.  She will praise her husband when he should be praised, but also offer him insights that he would otherwise not have.  The latter, showing him his mistake when necessary, is the greater service.

The binah yeseirah that a woman has can grow without limit.  The only limit to its growth is the husband's madreigah.  In a properly constituted home, in a home where the husband and wife share ideas of avodas Hashem and mussar, the husband and wife will grow together.  The wife will grow from what she learns from the husband, and the husband will grow from what he learns from his wife, and the two will create a shleimus and kedusha far greater than the sum of what they could have created individually.  No matter what the husband's madreiga, his wife will have rachamim and bina yeseirah to offer that he should heed.  No  matter what the wife's madreiga, the husband will have chochma and gevura that the she should heed.  Avraham Avinu would have been different without a Sara.  Sara without an Avraham would never have come to a madreiga of nevua of כל אשר תאמר לך.  One without the other simply would not be a Tzelem Elokim.  (See note 1.)

Each party contributes their share to the Hashra'as Hashechina of a Bayis Ne'eman, and each contribution is unique and essential.

In Parshas Pinchas, Hashem counts the Jewish People again.  The Kli Yakar here (26:10), on the passuk .  Le'Chanoch, mishpachas haChanochi, le'Chetzron, etc, points out that the family names have an extra hei and yud, "haPalu'i, haChetzroni."  These two letters form name of Hashem.  Why does it appear specifically here?  Because Klal Yisrael was never suspected of pritzus, even the sonei yisrael knew that the Jewish family is kodesh kadashim.  But after Bnos Midian, the nations said "They’re no different than the rest of us, their blood was mixed when they were slaves in Mitzrayim."  So Hashem said eidus that they were pure.  The eidus is evident in the name of Hashem, the yud and the hei, which is the shechina that is brought about by a holy family life, the Yud from ish and and the Hei from isha.  They were each born from parents whose marriage created a hashra’as hashechina in their home. 

So why is the hei first?  The yud is the man's and the hei is the woman's contribution!  He answers that the as far as the right to inherit Eretz Yisrael, the women were more entitled than the men.  Their entitlement was based on two things in which they outdid the men of that generation- Tzniyus and the Love of Eretz Yisrael.  In 26:64, he explains that this is one of the reasons that the parsha ends by saying “uv’eileh lo hoyoh ish.”  Rashi- No Ish who had been counted earlier survived to be counted again, but many nashim.  Although the gzeira of the midbar affected the men, which is why Hashem counted them again, but there were plenty of elderly women who did enter Eretz Yisrael.  Rashi says that the reason is because they were lovers of Eretz Yisrael; when the men looked for excuses not to enter Eretz Yisrael, the women never gave up hope that they would be zocheh to live in Eretz Yisrael, so they weren’t affected by the gzeiras meraglim.  Rashi reiterates this in the beginning of the parsha of bnos Tzelafchad as to why they were nisyacheis to Yosef.  Yosef was also mechaveiv Eretz Yisrael- he said Veha’alisem es atzmosai.  Bnos Tzelofchod, descendants of Yosef, embodied the mesora of chibas ha’aretz.  Also, Yosef was famously chaste, and it was these characteristics that shone forth in the women of that generation.

So we see that the kedusha that is created in a Jewish home, in a home of hashra'as hashechina, a home in which both the husband and the wife learn from each other, that kedusha is a gift from the Ribono shel Olam that can be gotten nowhere but the hand of Hashem.  It's a shleimus that can't be achieved by yourself.  Yes, a man should be a man, dedicated to עמלות בתורה  and gevura,  and a woman should be a woman, nurturing, a paragon of צניעות and  בטחון.  But most importantly, the man and the woman must talk to each other, discuss spiritual matters with each other, share their growth with each other.  The husband learns from the binah and middos of his wife and incorporates and remakes them in his own distinctive masculine persona, and the woman learns from the chochma and gevura of the husband and incorporates and reinvents that chochma in her distinctive feminine character.  And that is how the true Tzelem Elokim is created. 

I suggest that this is the pshat in the first bracha of the Sheva Brachos, Shehakol Bara Lichvodo.  Hakol means disparate parts combined.  It is only with Hakol that Hashem's shechina can truly be revealed in the world.  The Hakol is the bond of kedusha and love and mutual respect and intertwined pursuit of shleimus between a husband and wife, the Shleimus of the Bayis Ne'eman that creates the Hashra'as Hashechina.

 Notes:
1.  The Abudraham brings from the Gemara in Kiddushin that the reason there are two brachos in Sheva Brachos on the same topic- Yotzer Ha'adam and Yatzar es Ha'adam BeTzalmo is that one refers to the first stage of creation and the other to the second.  He explains that the "second stage of creation" means after Chava was created- and that only then can we truly refer to humankind as having the Tzelem Elokim.  Man alone is not the Tzelem Elokim, and woman alone is not the Tzelem Elokim.  Only man plus woman is the Tzelem Elokim.  He, of course, is talking about the middos of gevura and rachamim and bina and so forth, which is the point of this Dvar Torah.


2.  The Netziv actually says that some people used to marry two wives, one for beauty and silence, and one as a peer that would advise and criticize when necessary.  The same is certainly true now.  Some women are just pieces of fluff with no involvement in their husband's spiritual or intellectual or financial life, and some men are totally unaffected by the middos of their wives.  Their intersection is purely utilitarian and does not change them at all.  When this happens, it's the fault of both parties.  That's why I said that the optimum arrangement, where each grows and the other grows with them, is a matter of sharing and discussion and empathy and only happens in a well-constituted home.  It's not automatic.


3.  Daniel, in the comments, writes that he doesn't believe that all marriages are bashert.  There are rishonim that agree with him.  The Gemara in Sotah 2b and Sanhedrin 22a goes like this:

כי הוה פתח ריש לקיש בסוטה אמר הכי :

'אין מזווגין לו לאדם אשה אלא לפי מעשיו' שנאמר :"כי לא ינוח שבט הרשע על גורל הצדיקים"(תהילים קכה')

אמר רבה בר בר חנה אמר ר' יוחנן וקשים לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף, שנאמר: "אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה מוציא אסירים בכושרות"(תהילים סח').

 איני (האמנם)?

והא אמר רב יהודה אמר רב: ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני בית פלוני לפלוני שדה פלוני לפלוני?

לא קשיא. הא בזוג ראשון הא בזוג שני:

The Gemara contrasts the usual statement of shidduchim being a matter of fate with Reish Lakish'es statement that  a shidduch is a result of one's behavior and merit.  The Gemara answers that one is in regard to zivug rishon, the first match, and the other in regard to zivug sheini, the second.  What rishon and sheini mean is argued among the rishonim.  Rashi, of course, learns it means chronologically.  However, others hold exactly the opposite.  The Akeida and others learn that it means alternative models, one the preferred, and one not preferred.  So Yes, Daniel is right.  But there are things that are worth believing even if they are not true.

4.    Yes, I know that the Medrash also says אשתו של פלוני לפלוני, ממונו של פלוני לפלוני.  It's a vort, not the yud gimmel ikrim.  The main point is that אשת חבר הרי היא כחבר is not just a din in being mechabed the talmid chacham.  It is based on the spiritual resonance that develops between husband and wife in the marriage envisioned in the Torah.


5.  It's possible that what I'm saying about אשת חבר הרי היא כחבר is based on the concept of גדול שימושה יותר מלימודה (Brachos 7b, and see Tosfos Kesuvos 17a DH Mevatlin).  That's not very different than what I'm saying.


6. Someone wrote that this Dvar Torah is mawkish.  MAWKISH!  It's a sheva brachos drasha, so deal with it.  But it's nice to be excoriated with style.

Tzav: Drasha for Sheva Brachos (#4) The Korban for Newlyweds.

This is Drush, and not intended for analysis with scalpels.

Rabbeinu Bachay in Parshas Tzav says (second column sixteen lines from the bottom) that newlyweds bring a Korban Todah.   He says that anyone that experiences a special joyous event should bring a Korban Todah, and in particular he says that a Chassan and Kallah should bring this korban.  Most importantly, Rabbeinu Bachaya is telling us that when the passuk in Yirmiahu (33:11-12) says that people will once again  bring the Korban Todah, it is referring to the beginning of the passuk that talks about the joy of the Chasan and Kallah, and the passuk means that Chassanim and Kallos used to- and someday soon will again bring- a Korban Todah.

כֹּה אָמַר ה, עוֹד יִשָּׁמַע בַּמָּקוֹם הַזֶּה אֲשֶׁר אַתֶּם אֹמְרִים חָרֵב הוּא מֵאֵין אָדָם וּמֵאֵין בְּהֵמָה בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה  וּבְחֻצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלִַם, הַנְשַׁמּוֹת מֵאֵין אָדָם וּמֵאֵין יוֹשֵׁב, וּמֵאֵין בְּהֵמָה.   קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׂמְחָה, קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה, קוֹל אֹמְרִים הוֹדוּ אֶת ה' צְבָאוֹת כִּי טוֹב ה' כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ מְבִאִים תּוֹדָה בֵּית ה:, 

I understand that the exuberant Chasan and Kallah would sing  הוֹדוּ אֶת ה צְבָאוֹת כִּי טוֹב ה כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ.  But the idea that Chasan and Kallah bring a Korban Todah is interesting, because we usually associate the korban with having survived some mortal danger.  The Gemara (Brachos 54b,  and see Rambam 10 Brachos 8 and OC 219:1) specifies four people who are obligated to bring this korban, and all are people who were saved from danger.  In fact, this idea is reflected in our Tefilla.  One who was saved from this type of danger makes the Bracha Birkas Hagomel.  For general celebration, you can bring a shlamim or an olah, and the appropriate bracha is She'hechiyanu.  So it's interesting that Rabbeinu Bachay says that a Korban Todah is brought to celebrate a joyous occasion.  More importantly, why does Rabbeinu Bachay single out being newly married as the archetypal circumstance of bringing the Korban Todah?

The Gemara (Sota 2a) says אמר ר' יוחנן וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף שנאמר (תהילים סח) אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה מוציא אסירים בכושרות, marrying people off is as "hard" as splitting the sea, as it says in Tehillim, G-d settles the solitary in a house; He frees those who are bound in "Kosharos," shackles.  (Rashi in Sotah, expanding on the interpretation of the verse as referring to the redemption from Mitzrayim, says that Kosharos means a season that is temperate, neither hot nor cold, because the geula from Mitzrayim was in the Springtime.)  The Gemara sees in this passuk a connection between marriage- "G-d settles the solitary in a house"- and the redemption from Egypt, "He frees those who are bound in shackles."  Thus, the Gemara equates a successful marriage and the splitting of the sea.

Rashi explains that the miracle of marriage is taking a boy, a yachid, and a girl, a yechida, and creating from these yechidim a completely new home, a new kingdom, and this is a miracle comparable to the splitting of the sea.  The ability of individuals to willingly and successfully cede their independence to a new mutual identity is only possible with divine assistance.

Although the Gemara focuses on the aspect of divine intervention- krias yam suf, one can see in the Gemara another thought.  The passuk is also telling us that that getting married is similar to being freed from a prison Motzi assirim.  In what sense is that true?  

Until someone is married, he is imprisoned by limited emotional horizons.  He suffers from the astigmatism of egotism; he has no idea what it means to care for someone else more than he cares for himself, he lacks the basic understanding of what it means to be a fully realized human being, he is in danger of being emotionally stunted, a Wagnerian Nibelung.  So, despite the Orwellian undertone, getting married really is like being liberated from prison.  

As the Netziv says, the Korban Todah is brought על שנחלץ מצרה; literally, the word צרה means travail, but it is related to the word צר which means tight and constrained.  So the best translation would be that the korban is brought on the occasion of "release from confinement."  That is certainly an apt description of marriage.    נחלץ מצרה means that he was granted expansion, an expansion that unbound him from his isolated strait.

That sentence deserves to be emphasized.   על שנחלץ מצרה means that he was unbound from his strait of isolation.  This is the foundation of the Korban Todah, and it is a perfect description of what marriage can give us.

GS point out that Rashi in Vayishlach, by Machalas bas Yishmael, brings the Yerushalmi that "Chasan mochlin lo."   If so, he says, the chasan certainly ought to bring a korban Todah.  So for one thing, he was spared the onshim of his aveiros.  Secondly, a spiritual hatzala is comparable to a physical hatzala.  (Similar to Megilla 14, where the Gemara says a kal vachomer, if from avdus to cheirus you say Shira, KV from death to life, so Chazal were kovei'a Megillas Esther as part of Kisvei HaKodesh.)

As I mentioned above, the classic use of the Korban Todah is for a person that has has one of the following four experiences:  These can be remembered with the mnemonic Chayim, חיים..  That is, Chavush/freed from prison; ; Yeshurim/recovered from illness; Yam/returned from an ocean voyage; and Midbar/returned from travel in the desert.  Homiletically, one might say that all the elements of obligation for the Korban Todah are present when one gets married.  He was a is a choleh, because if a person doesn’t get married, the Gemara says (Kiddushin 29b), he deteriorates physically (tipach.)  He is like a traveler in the desert, as Hashem said that He remembers the love of our first relationship, when we followed Him into the desert, zacharti lach...lechteich acharai bamidbar, the willingness to risk everything because you love and trust your spouse..  He is like a prisoner freed from jail, because he has freed himself from the emotional prison of yechidus.  And he is like one who has returned from a sea voyage, because after the long and lonely odyssey as he searched, he has finally come into his home port.

In our time, a person who survives a danger stands at the Bimah (or a woman does this at home with a minyan) and makes the Bracha Hagomel.  One could support the notion that a Chassan and Kallah should do the same.  Of course, there is no such minhag.  But certainly, when they say Modim in Shmoneh Esrei, they should express their gratitude to Hashem for bringing them together and helping to create a new household.  It doesn't hurt to also have your marriage in mind when you say "Sim Shalom."

Note:  Besides the Korban Todah, in the time of the Beis Hamikdash, a Chassan would come to the Beis Hamikdash especially on Shabbos, because on the east side of the structure there was a gate made of white glass through which only newlywed men would enter.  When people would see a man come in through that gate, they would all bless him, saying "He Who dwells in this house, may he bless you with sons and daughters!"  (From Pirkei D'Rebbi Eliezer 17.  Although there is no mention of this gate in the Mishna in the first perek of Middos, which enumerates and describes all the entrances to the Beis Hamikdash, it is mentioned in Maseches Sofrim 19:12.)  As it says in Pirkei D'Rebbi Eliezer, even though now we have no Beis Hamikdash, we should do the same when the Chassan comes to Shul on Shabbos.

הנכנס בשער חתנים היו יודעים בו שהוא חתן והיו אומרים לו השוכן בבית הזה יברכך בבנים ובבנות

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